A lot of us often think we’re getting into a great, sustainable relationship, only to find out a couple of months in, (once those love hormones AKA oxytocin wears off), or even years later, that our partner isn’t actually all that compatible with us after all.

It might be having different interests, or beliefs and values from our partner, that can let us know “Hey…maybe they aren’t actually THAT good for me.”

But what made us choose those partners, to begin with? What draws us to individuals who are less attainable and don’t meet our emotional needs, and pass over prospective partners who are much more suited to those ideals we strive for? If this is what we are doing, can we really trust our instincts when it comes to finding a partner?

The emotionally unavailable one. The person who gives you just enough attention to keep you hooked. The one who doesn’t seem that interested, but somehow takes up a full-time residency in your brain.

If you’ve ever thought, “Why do I want someone who doesn’t want me?” or “Why do I keep choosing people who don’t choose me?” – you are very much not alone.

A lot of us walk into relationships thinking, “This feels exciting. This feels intense. This must mean something.” Then a couple of months in — once the love hormones settle down and reality starts doing its thing — we realise this person may not actually be all that good for us.

Maybe your values don’t line up. Maybe they’re emotionally distant. Maybe you’re doing all the chasing. Maybe the connection feels addictive, but not exactly safe.

So, why are we attracted to people who are bad for us? And more importantly, how do we stop repeating the same pattern?

Let’s get into it.

Why Do We Want People Who Don’t Want Us?

Being drawn to someone unavailable can feel confusing, frustrating and honestly, a bit embarrassing. You might know they’re not giving you what you need, but still find yourself checking your phone, replaying conversations or hoping they’ll suddenly choose you properly.

Part of this can come down to the way our brains respond to uncertainty. When affection is inconsistent — warm one minute, distant the next — it can create a push-pull dynamic that feels intense, even when it’s not actually healthy.

That intensity can get mistaken for chemistry. But chemistry and compatibility are not the same thing.

Sometimes, we’re not chasing the person as much as we’re chasing the feeling of finally being chosen by them.

And that can be a pretty powerful hook.

Why We’re Attracted To People Who Feel Familiar

Not to sound too Freud-esque here, but many of us love along grooves that were formed much earlier in life.

Our caregivers are often our first introduction to love, connection and emotional safety. So, it makes sense that we might be drawn to partners who feel familiar — even if familiar doesn’t always mean good.

If love feels inconsistent, unpredictable, conditional or hard to earn growing up, you may find yourself pulled toward people who recreate that same emotional pattern. Not because you consciously want pain, but because your nervous system recognises the dynamic.

This doesn’t mean you’re doomed to repeat the past forever. It just means your attraction patterns might be trying to tell you something.

Therapy can be really helpful here, especially if you’re noticing the same relationship story playing out again and again. Our relationship counselling and online therapy sessions can help you explore these patterns with more curiosity and less self-blame.

Why Nice People Choose The Wrong People To Date

A lot of kind, thoughtful, emotionally available people still choose partners who don’t treat them well. So if that’s you, please don’t turn this into another reason to beat yourself up.

Sometimes, nice people choose the wrong people because they’re used to over-functioning in relationships. They make excuses. They see potential. They focus on the tiny crumbs of affection and ignore the empty plate.

You might tell yourself:

• “They’re just busy.”
• “They’re scared of getting close.”
• “Maybe if I’m patient, they’ll open up.”
• “If I can just prove I’m worth it, they’ll finally choose me.”

But love isn’t supposed to be an audition. You shouldn’t have to perform, shrink, chase or convince someone to treat you with care.

The tricky part? Someone who is actually consistent, kind and available might feel unfamiliar at first. Maybe even boring.

But sometimes “boring” is just your nervous system experiencing calm and not knowing what to do with it yet.

The Difference Between Attraction and Compatibility

Attraction is important. We’re not here to tell you to date someone you feel absolutely nothing for because they look good on paper.

But attraction alone is not enough.

You can be wildly attracted to someone who is completely wrong for you. You can also dismiss someone too quickly because they don’t trigger the same old chase, uncertainty or emotional rollercoaster.

Compatibility asks different questions:

• Do our values line up?
• Do I feel emotionally safe with this person?
• Can we communicate openly?
• Do they make space for my needs?
• Do I like who I become around them?
• Do they choose me back, consistently?

If you keep choosing people who don’t choose you, it may be worth slowing down and asking: am I attracted to this person, or am I activated by them?

There’s a difference.

How To Break The Pattern Of Choosing People Who Aren’t Good For You

The truth is, we can’t always control who we’re initially attracted to. Thanks to biology, early life experiences and the mysterious chaos of being human.

But we can get better at noticing patterns, slowing ourselves down and choosing differently.

Here are a few Indigo-style places to start.

1. Get clear on your values

Consider what values you actually want in a partner. These might be things you already value in yourself, or things you want more of in your life.

For example:

• Kindness
• Emotional honesty
• Reliability
• Curiosity
• Generosity
• Respect
• Humour
• Shared life goals
• Care for community or the environment

Values are different from “type.” Your type might be tall, funny and a bit mysterious. Your values might be emotional availability, consistency and kindness. Guess which one is more likely to keep you safe long-term?

2. Notice what you find attractive and question it gently 

Think about what usually pulls you toward someone.

Is it confidence? Mystery? Ambition? Intensity? The feeling that they’re hard to get?

None of these things are automatically bad. But it’s worth asking:

Is this attractive because it feels good for me, or because it feels familiar?

You don’t have to judge your attraction. Just get curious about it.

3. Write down your deal-breakers before you’re in too deep

It’s much easier to know your boundaries before the chemistry kicks in and starts making executive decisions on your behalf.

Think about what would genuinely put you off a potential partner.

Maybe it’s disrespectful. Emotional unavailability. Inconsistent communication. Not wanting the same kind of relationship. Being dismissive of your feelings. Refusing accountability.

Write these down when you’re feeling grounded, not when you’re three dates in and already romanticising their Spotify playlists.

Having your deal-breakers written down can help you stay connected to what you actually need when things get emotionally foggy.

4. Worry more about whether you like them

This one can be a game-changer.

So many of us spend dates wondering:

“Do they like me?”
“Am I being interesting enough?”
“Did I say something weird?”
“Should I text first or wait?”

But what if the better question was:

“Do I actually like them?”

Do you feel comfortable? Are they curious about you? Do they listen? Do you feel like yourself around them? Are you trying to win them over, or are you genuinely enjoying their company?

Of course, dating can be awkward and people can be nervous. It’s okay to give someone a chance to come out of their shell. But don’t forget that you’re allowed to assess the fit too.

5. Stay open to people who meet your needs

Sometimes we dismiss people who are kind, consistent and emotionally available because they don’t create the same nervous-system fireworks we’re used to.

But a healthy connection might feel calmer than you expect.

It might feel steady. Clear. Easy to understand. Less like a guessing game and more like two people actually showing up.

That doesn’t mean settling. It means learning to recognise care when it doesn’t arrive wrapped in chaos.

A Sweet Reminder If You’ve Recently Ended A Relationship

If you’ve recently ended a romantic relationship, first up: just because it ended doesn’t mean it was all for nothing.

It doesn’t mean you didn’t try hard enough. It doesn’t mean you failed. It means something wasn’t working, and you were brave enough to face that.

Breakups can hurt like hell, even when they’re the right decision. When the waves of emotion are at low tide, it may help to write yourself a note reminding you why things ended — so you can come back to it when nostalgia starts editing the whole relationship into a highlight reel.

And hey, if things ended amicably, maybe friendship is possible one day. Or maybe not. There’s no textbook way to handle these things. Your situation is unique.

Also, gentle PSA: you don’t need to go looking for someone else just to fill the void. You are allowed to grieve. You are allowed to be on your own. You are allowed to rebuild without rushing into the next almost-love.

When Relationship Patterns Feel Hard To Break

If you keep choosing people who aren’t good for you, or keep ending things with people who are actually kind, consistent and available, it may be helpful to talk it through with a therapist.

Relationship patterns can be layered. They can involve attachment, self-worth, fear of intimacy, old wounds, trauma, family dynamics, anxiety or simply not knowing what healthy love is meant to feel like yet.

At The Indigo Project, our relationship experts offer a therapeutic space to work through what’s happening in your dating life, your relationship patterns and the parts of you that might still be chasing love that feels hard to earn.

You don’t have to untangle it alone.

If you’re ready to understand your patterns and start choosing differently, our online therapists are here to help.