Do you feel like you’re fighting a losing battle trying to support a partner with depression? Have you stayed up Googling ‘Depression in Relationships’, or ‘Depressed Partner’, getting progressively frustrated that the top results are all on how to support your partner and understanding depression when you just want someone to address the elephant in the room:
What about me?
Supporting someone with depression takes a lot of focus and energy, and it’s easy to start to overlook your own needs and emotions which can build up over time. Eventually there is a point where without caring for ourselves we can’t care for others, so let’s explore these feelings and actionable ways to take care of ourselves too.
Your Feelings Are Valid
We often don’t talk about our partner’s problems because it can feel like gossip, and we are even less inclined to share our negative feelings towards them because a) depression is no one’s fault, b) we love them, and c) …you don’t want to seem like a bad person.
Being in a relationship with a depressed partner can lead to a lot of negative feelings like frustration, guilt, resentment, and loneliness – and no, you aren’t actually a bad person for feeling any of these things. These are all natural responses to the challenges you are facing and often a sign it’s time to practice self-care. Just acknowledging these feelings can be a big part of caring for yourself, as well as for your relationship.
Frustration
Depression distorts our perception of reality in a negative way, and it can be incredibly frustrating to be interacting with a partner that is being pessimistic and likely projecting a lot of their insecurities and self-doubt. Because of lower self-esteem and persistent feelings of inadequacy, people with depression often need more reassurance. While we do want to reassure and comfort our partner, this can start to feel repetitive and emotionally exhausting – particularly when our assurance doesn’t seem to have lasting impact. Often we also get stuck in the same pessimistic thought cycle where nothing we say or do feels “good enough” to help them.
Depression can also make communication can also be incredibly challenging to navigate. Your partner might withdraw and shut you out, or they might interpret things more negatively which often leads to a lot of misunderstandings or conflicts over seemingly minor issues. This adds to further frustration, especially when you’re putting in a lot of energy to understand and be there for them and can end up feeling like you aren’t being heard.
Guilt
You might feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed or burdened by your partner’s mental health struggles. Depression can create a highly negative environment which can start to affect your own outlook and mood. Even if you try to stay positive, it can be draining to spend a lot of time with someone who struggles to see the good in anything.
While we try to keep our own mental health intact it is perfectly normal to want some time and space to ourselves. However, guilt can start creeping in as we start to find ourselves looking forward to time away from the person we care about. It’s important to remember that having time for yourself is a healthy part of any relationship, and it’s okay to need space to recharge.
Resentment
You may feel resentment for your partner not fully participating in the relationship, being emotionally unavailable, creating a disproportionate balance between you, or for ‘pulling you down with them’. When one partner consistently takes on the role of a caretaker it can put strain on your dynamics as your own needs can be left unmet, things feel constantly negative, or you can even start to feel more like their parent than their partner.
While your partner is focussed on just getting through the day, you’re often left feeling like you’re the only one trying to progress your lives. Depression really messes with motivation, energy, and outlook on the future, often causing people to withdraw from activities they once enjoyed, or struggle to think positively about the future. Where you used to make life plans, be more social or have shared hobbies, you might find yourself feeling disappointed and resentful for missing these experiences or that your future feels more uncertain.
Loneliness
It can feel incredibly isolating to support a partner with depression. Depression can make people feel withdrawn and numb, affecting how they present and how they engage in the relationship. It can start to feel like the person you love is emotionally disconnected and no longer truly “there”, or even that you’re the only one really in the relationship.
As depression skews the normal balance of give and take in a relationship, you may find your partner isn’t able to offer the same level of support they once did; seemingly leaving you to face your own struggles alone.
Looking after YOU
Taking care of yourself while supporting someone with depression is essential – especially if we want to overcome these negative feelings and show up for our relationship. Here are some of the ways we can respect our own needs and maintain a sense of self:
Acknowledge your emotions without judgment
Remember these feelings are normal. Give yourself permission to feel and accept whatever emotions arise. Consider other ways you can process these emotions healthily, whether that’s through journaling, speaking with a friend, or seeing a therapist.
Prioritise personal time
It’s not selfish to preserve your own space and energy. Consider what activities and relationships help you to feel recharged, whether it’s taking time each day to read, exercise, or connect with friends/family, make sure you set aside moments that are just for you.
Set healthy boundaries
It’s easy to fall into a pattern where you feel responsible for your partner’s emotions, but you need to remember you are their partner not their therapist. Maintaining healthy boundaries around your role as a caregiver can protect you from burnout or further feelings of frustration and resentment. Try making a list of things you can do to support your partner, like going for a walk together, helping them make dinner, offering encouragement, or just listening. It can also help to list the things that aren’t in your control to solidify your boundaries, like “fixing their problems” or “making their depression go away”.
Practice self-compassion and patience
Remember that feeling conflicted or overwhelmed doesn’t make you a bad partner. Be kind to yourself as you navigate these emotions and treat yourself with the same patience and understanding you aim to give your partner. Consider strategies that reinforce your sense of self-worth, like mindfulness, positive affirmations, or participating in activities that bring you joy.
Focus on your own goals and growth
If you feel like you’ve put any personal goals or hobbies on the back burner, reinvest time and energy into them. Pursuing a new skill, engaging in a hobby or connecting with others are all meaningful ways to help you feel fulfilled in your own life. It can be easy to set your own ambitions aside when you’re focussing so much on someone else, so instead of remunerating on building resentments, remind yourself that you’re in control of pursuing your goals and living positively.
Seek support
Talking to someone outside of your relationship goes so far beyond ‘gossiping’ about your struggles. It can be invaluable to have someone help you to unpack difficult feelings, offer perspective, and help to build coping strategies. While friends and family can offer incredible support, seeking a therapist or support group can really help to foster a judgment free environment where you know you aren’t alone in your experiences – and there’s no fear of burdening someone else close to you with your emotional load.
Depression is shitty for everyone involved, and supporting a partner through it certainly isn’t easy. Remember that your mental health and wellbeing are important too, and that by acknowledging your feelings, caring for yourself, and setting boundaries it can feel far more achievable to find a path forward that supports your own wellbeing as well as your partner’s.
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