If you haven’t read Part 1, Breaking Up With Friends, we’ve established that it was significantly easier to manage friendships as a kid. Making and maintaining friendships as an adult can feel incredibly complicated, and honestly pretty intimidating. It feels normal to be looking for friends as a kid, but for some reason the idea that we might actually need new friends as an adult brings up feelings of shame and anxiety.

Unlike school or uni, connection isn’t built into your daily routine anymore – the people we know are scattered across cities, jobs, and completely different life stages… as if growing out of friendships or having your close friends move away is somehow your fault.

So, adding in a busy schedule, fatigue, and some good ol’ social anxiety, it’s no wonder so many of us feel lost when it comes to forming new friendships.

Admitting we need new adult friends can make us uncomfortable

As we grow up we tend to get a lot more practical in how we think and prioritise our energy, (and commercialism hasn’t exactly been our friend either). Whether it’s the cult of busyness or our own internalised pressure, there’s this constant stress that if we allow time in our schedules for friendships it’s a bad thing, or a ‘poor use’ of time and energy. This sets us up for a pretty overwhelming thought process – how do I make time for friends, how do I have enough energy to meet new people, how do I work out if I like them, how do I show up as a good friend?

I’m not going to argue that these aren’t perfectly logical things that we should still consider, but can you argue this is the same thought process you had as a 5 year old? We might not be in kindergarten anymore, but adult friendships don’t need to be anywhere near as complex as we make them out to be.

So, um, how do you actually make new friends?

I could state some really obvious points, like ‘try a team sport!’, ‘go out more!’ all the way through to ‘have you tried speed dating but for friends?’ (although this is actually a great idea and I would absolutely do this), but this isn’t a WikiHow: Making Friends 101. I trust that we already know what things we can do to actually interact with new people, but it’s that next step that is our biggest barrier – we’ve met the people, how do we turn them into friends?

Being vulnerable and making new connections can be scary, but we need to remember that we all feel like this. As adults we seem to have lost the luxury of being able to say “Hi! You seem cool, do you wanna be my friend?”; but instead of just evolving how we ask this, we get stuck asking ourselves “what will people think of someone who is looking for friends? Will it seem like I’m desperate?”

I want you to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and think about how you would feel to be asked this question. Most of us are really open to making new friends but hesitant to initiate, and (I’ll admit it can take a little more nuance as adults) I promise it’s worth getting comfortable with making the first move.

Turning an acquaintance into a friend

Think of it like asking someone on a date but way lower stakes – a casual “Want to grab coffee sometime?”, “Hey, it would be great to keep in touch, what’s the best way to reach you?” can all go a long way. It sounds so simple – but we don’t tend to put ourselves out there.

If you’re game, I did recently put the literal “wanna be friends?” to the test with one person, and a group of ‘acquaintances’. The results? I felt like I wanted to fold in on myself and launch my phone across the room once I hit send, BUT I ended up with an incredible friend, and had one of the best dinner parties I have had in years. While I didn’t make as big of a connection with the group I had dinner with, I still had a great time, learned more about my own values and what I connect with, and it’s made me more confident to pursue new friendships in future. So just like dating, remember there is no pressure to continue to pursue a friendship once you’ve given it a go!

Sit with the discomfort – and say yes.

On the other side, if you aren’t quite ready to ‘make the first move’, try to say yes more often. As adults it’s so easy to default to “but I am so tired”, “I don’t have the time” and “what if they suck?”. All valid things within reason, but learning to say yes more often helps us to actually give memorable connections a chance, and being more spontaneous can feel incredibly fulfilling and help us connect with the younger version of ourselves. If someone has suggested a catch up that genuinely doesn’t fit your schedule, instead of brushing it off with a “another time!” (and then never following it up again), try responding with an alternative plan. Appreciate that someone has taken the courage to ‘ask you out’ (platonically, of course), and that you offering a compromise shouldn’t be anywhere near as nerve-wracking.

Maintaining & strengthening Friendships

So you’ve made new friends, now what?

Maintaining and deepening friendships can be just as challenging as making new friends. Between our commitments and the general chaos of life, even our closest connections can slip through the cracks. I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s gone to message a friend I ‘just spoke to the other day’ to realise that conversation was 2 months ago, or gotten offended because I’ve found myself waiting for a message back from someone for weeks, only to see them liking and commenting away on Instagram, like hello? I’m here too?

First up, this doesn’t make either of you a bad friend. Give yourselves some compassion and understanding — we all have things happening in our own lives and it’s really easy to let our friendships fall to the back of our mind when we have a lot to juggle, and often this is a sign it’s actually a good time to check in on one another.

The power of a phone call – OK, Even a voice note

You don’t need grand gestures to keep your friendships strong, just consistent, thoughtful effort. The key is to focus on small, meaningful actions that actually fit within the realities of adult life. Even when we can’t make time to catch up, checking in makes all the difference.
Do not underestimate the power of a phone call – it can foster so much more connection than a text message can.

If you’re looking for a middle ground, try sending a voice note to the friend you can never seem to line up a phone call with.
And of course there’s the “it’s been ages, I miss you” text to that friend you really want to reconnect with, or silly memes friends just to show them that they’re on your mind – while they seem innocuous, these little acts have formed part of the fabric of how we stay connected; but they need the support of real human interaction.

Low-Pressure Hangs

While it’s important to respect each other’s time and energy, we do actually need to make time for friends — and an almond latte every couple of months is not going to lead you to a sudden shift in connection. Sure, it’s a start, but you need to find people who actually have time for you – and you need to make time for them. One of the hardest parts of assessing our friendships as an adult is the sober reality that maybe some of our close friends don’t have time for us anymore.

So when it does come to catching up, make it easy. Think of low-pressure hangs like walks, casual coffees, or even a phone call on your drive home. Remember, it’s the quality of time together that counts, not how often you manage to meet. Scheduling recurring catch-ups can also help — rotating monthly dinners, or a ‘Sunday Pilates and coffee’ tradition can create a rhythm that keeps friendships really strong. Still be honest about your capacity and respect one another’s time and energy; it’s perfectly okay to say, “I’m low on social energy right now can we please take a rain check”, and to accept the same in return.

Disagreements can solidify your bond

No matter how great of friends you are, conflicts and disagreements can still happen. If bumps arise, try to address them with kindness and directness rather than letting resentment simmer — while we lose the “you’re not my friend anymore!” attitude over every little thing as adults, we gain the ability to understand perspective and talk things through to a version of apology, compromise, and/or resolution.

Whether you’re trying to make new friends or show up for your BFF, focus on being the kind of friend you’d want. Be present, honest, empathetic, and curious, and try not to shy away from a little vulnerability! The energy you put in invites the same in return, but you don’t need to put EVERYTHING into your friendships— our friendships thrive when we mutually respect each other’s time and energy.

Put yourself out there

Building and maintaining friendships might take a little more intention as an adult, but it’s one of the most valuable investments we can make. Whether you’re putting yourself out there to make new connections, or finding ways to nurture the friendships you already have, small, consistent efforts and showing up with kindness and curiosity can build strong, lasting relationships. At the end of the day, the best friendships aren’t about perfection — they’re about being there for each other in all of life’s ups and downs (even through the mess of adulthood).

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